Ditties

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It costs me never a stab nor squirm
To tread by chance upon a worm.
“Aha, my little dear,” I say,
“Your clan will pay me back one day.”
-- Dorothy Parker

Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.
-- Dorothy Parker

Little fly upon the wall,
You ain’t got no clothes at all.
You ain’t got no shimmy shirt.
You ain’t got no petty skirt.
Want to go to heaven little fly?
Go on. Go on.

DITTIES

Little Audrey stood at the top of the stairs,
and she just laughed and laughed.
She knew her mother couldn’t catch that piano.

When baby fell into the river, Little Audrey just laughed and laughed. She knew that baby couldn’t swim.

The parachuting instructor told them to pull the cord after they’d counted to ten and Little Audrey just laughed and laughed.  She knew her little brother could only count to five.

Little Audrey got lost on a desert island. The nineteen cannibals that captured her set their pot to boiling, but Little Audrey just laughed and laughed. She knew she was not big enough to make enough stew to go around.

LITTLE AUDREY JOKES

These Little Audrey jokes are paraphrased from other people’s recollection. I would love to find out the exact wording:

RUTHLESS RHYMES

Grandmama fell off the boat.
She couldn’t swim and she wouldn’t float.
Matilda Jane just sat and smiled.
I very nearly slapped the child.

Grandpapa fell down the drain.
We couldn’t get him out again.
Now he’s floating down the sewer.
Well, that’s one grandpapa the fewer.

Billy, in one of his new sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes.
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven’t the heart to poke poor Billy.
 

Ruthless Rhymes, by Harry Graham

Originally published in 1899 and again in 1930, this is a collection of gruesome, funny rhymes.  A sampling appears to the right.

 

If you have comments or would like to contribute a ditty, please send an email to wisdomtoshare@kittyco.net.

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